The Power and Wisdom of Love:
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Clearly, this paper should be written by one of the loyal legions who keep the “relationship” industry fat and healthy. Now who do I know who will relish and delight in a serious exploration of Smalley’s (1996) sure-fire recipe for eternal love? The honor will go to a symbol of female perfection: “The blue of her eyes and the gold of her hair, Are a blend of the western sky; And the moonlight beams on the girl of my dreams, She’s the Sweetheart of Sigma Chi” (Vernor & Stokes, 1911). “Sweetheart” has a secret – she knows her exalted status just looks easy, but, in reality, to remain “the girl of…[his] dreams” takes work – what sometimes seems unending relationship work.
Anger and Life with Bozo
Two weeks after her college graduation, on a beautiful evening late in the first June of the 21st century, the Sweetheart of this exercise married the “boy” of her dreams, star quarterback and president of Sigma Chi, Boswell (“Bozo”) Chamberlain, III. As much as she loved Bozo, as the years passed, Sweetheart began to have this nagging feeling deep in her gut that something was missing from their relationship. In reading Smalley (1996), she came to realize that anger that she had hidden from Bozo was preventing her from having the fulfillment in her marriage that she craved. The intimacy and balance in her relationship that she needed meant she would have to learn how to express her feelings to Bozo directly.
She was struck by two points Smalley raised. First, anger was a part of her life, just as Smalley suspected. She still was angry at her mother for making her drink orange juice – with pulp – every day of her life until she went to college! Could that have anything to do with why she secretly was annoyed, even angry, when Bozo served her breakfast in bed every Sunday before they went to church? Since she couldn’t understand the connection, she met with Smalley and together they figured out that what she really was feeling was hurt that her mother didn’t even care that the pulp made her gag. When she re-read Smalley’s book, she learned that “anger was a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It arises out of fear, frustration, hurt…” (p. 20). “Yes,” she thought, and, based on the book, she knew she had to explain to Bozo that when he served her breakfast, she felt as if he didn’t care about what she wanted to eat. Bozo looked heartbroken, as he apologized for his thoughtlessness and said he’d cook anything his “Sweetheart of Sigma Chi” wanted to eat. They both vowed that once a week they’d examine their relationship and search for any sign of misunderstanding – they’d communicate.
The second observation Sweetheart made was that she hadn’t known that one characteristic of a happy family was “an active, shared faith in God” (Stinnett & DeFrain, 1986, as cited in Smalley, 1996, p. 103). While she, Bozo, and little Bozo IV went to Church every Sunday, she never really thought about God very much. So, she decided to take the steps Smalley suggested and, just as she and Bozo talked to each other about their feelings, she began to talk to God regularly, telling him when she felt angry or hurt and about how much she honored him, inviting him “to take full possession of my battery pack” (p. 117). It was as though a great weight had been lifted from her back, freeing her to fully love her husband, her son, her friends – and herself.
Down the Rabbit Hole
[After reading Smalley (1996) Sweetheart took a strange journey to Wonderland, actually a strange journey that consisted of a literature review. She learned that social scientists relied on the scientific method (they did research) and, for example, that “the cumulative evidence suggests that the following basic emotions meet criteria for classification of natural kinds: interest, joy/happiness, sadness, anger [italics added], disgust, and fear” (reviewed in Izard, 2007, p. 261), that focusing on negative experiences and emotions are “maladaptive characteristics” (reviewed in White, Coppola, & Multunas, 2008), that, despite Smalley’s reference to Skinnet’s conclusion about a “shared faith in God, cited above, Stinnett himself (1986, p. 48, as quoted in Krysan, Moore, & Zill, 1990) included in a religious orientation shared by happy families a “spirituality” in the form of “a concern for others, involvement in worthy causes, or adherence to a moral code,” and that a longitudinal study of 1,008 married couples failed to support “the idea that an increase in religious activity improves marital relations” (Booth, Johnson, Branaman, & Sica, 1995, p. 661). In examining Smalley’s references, she also noted that none were from scholarly journals and some theories, such as the lion, otter, golden retriever, and beaver personality types were products of Smalley’s imagination. Oddly, Sweetheart remembers nothing of her experiences.]
Key Insights Suggesting Needed Improvement
How personality types have affected Sweetheart’s life. Sweetheart recognized that she had been clueless about what kinds of animals she and Bozo were. She immediately realized that neither of them were lions. Indeed, when little Bozo roared (a definite lion), they both hid under the bed. According to his pre-school teacher, when other children roared back, they learned the real meaning of pain. Obviously, she thought, this behavior was having a negative effect on her and Bozo, and they needed to become a little lion-like themselves in order to tame the little tyrant. Bozo definitely was an otter. Indeed, his father bought him a toy store and also hired a manager, so Bozo’s “work” could be playing with the toys. “I haven’t been fair,” thought Sweetheart, “I need to find some ways to play with him more.” But what kind of an animal was Sweetheart. She thought perhaps she was a mutt, part beaver and part golden retriever. If it weren’t for her, not a bill would be paid, the refrigerator would be empty, and they’d have a house without any furniture and no clean clothes. “Not fair,” she thought, “I’m tired of being the only beaver.” While she intended to become less of a beaver, she was rather fond of the few golden retriever characteristics she had. “After all,” she thought, “regarding little Bozo, if I can’t ‘feel his pain’ when he cries that the other children don’t like him, who in the world would?”
The effects of Sweetheart failing to praise others. Sweetheart never before realized that since graduating from college, she rarely praised anyone. She also was in no way overly critical, but as “The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi” (Vernor & Stokes, 1911), she was the one who received praise – from Bozo, from his ex-fraternity brothers, and all and sundry other pals. If I praised him, I’m sure there’d be a positive effect on his life. Little Bozo probably needs praise too – there must be something about him I can praise!
A family constitution to improve the lives of Sweetheart and her family. When Sweetheart read about family constitutions, she realized that she wasn’t even certain of her own needs and most important values, let alone Bozo’s. So how could either of them be expected to have their needs fulfilled and their values honored? Would a constitution help us change little Bozo’s values and needs – currently, he values getting everything and needs to get it all now?
Sweetheart and Bozo need to improve their sex lives. “How did this happen?” thought Sweetheart. “In college, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. We had sex just about every which way and just about every time we saw each other – once even on the floor in the bathroom of the office of the Dean of Student Affairs (a most appropriate title). Now it’s every Friday evening, missionary position, and I remind myself of Queen Victory, said to have advised ‘lying back and thinking of England’.” She wondered if Bozo even cared what she thought and she realized she hadn’t even cared what he thought. She concluded they needed to work on all four areas of intercourse Smalley (1996) proposed (pp.236-245), especially the area discussed below.
The joy of spiritual intercourse. As noted above, while Sweetheart had been happier in all of her relationships since she began talking with God, as suggested in Chapter 7, it wasn’t until Chapter 14 that she learned God could even improve her sex life. Just the hint that “the Spirit of God” would share their bed (p. 243) aroused her sexually more than she had been aroused in years. Sweetheart thought they needed to learn “’to keep our hearts open before the Lord as a couple’” (Moore & Moore, 1992, as cited in Smalley, 1996, p. 244).
General comment on Chapters 9-16 significant to Sweetheart. How grateful Sweetheart felt to have received the wisdom and truth that poured generously from the very soul of the distinguished holder of “an honorary [italics added] doctorate for his research from over 40,000 men and women” (Smalley’s publisher, 1996). She welcomed the opportunity to go with Bozo to a two-day seminar and to buy every one of Smalley’s videos (Smalley, 1996).
Applying the Principal
Obstacles Sweetheart Needs to Overcome
Personality types. Sweetheart thought that regarding little Bozo, the main obstacle to taming this roaring lion will be to keep him from “taking a hatchet” and giving us “thirty whacks.” As for Big Bozo, she’ll need to overcome her embarrassment of joining him in playing with his toys. As for Sweetheart becoming less of a beaver, she’ll need to overcome the obstacle of trying to teach her husband how to do anything.
Giving praise. The main obstacle for Sweetheart to overcome in praising Bozo is that she has gotten into the habit of failing to share the stage, expecting praise as her – and only her – due. As for little Bozo, her main obstacle will be learning to appreciate in the baby tyrant “the qualities that make each person different from the other” (Smalley, 1996, p. 195).
A family constitution. Sweetheart’s main obstacle is that not even recognizing her own needs and values means that she really is late in her own personal development as an adult, an accomplishment that must precede beginning to understand the values and needs of her two Bozos.
Sexual intercourse. The main obstacle for both Sweetheart and Bozo is that before they can even begin to improve their sex lives, they must tackle the hard work of developing the four other forms of intercourse.
Spiritual intercourse. It should be clear that Sweetheart must overcome what seem to be some pretty kinky ideas about God.
Exactly What Must Sweetheart do?
Personality types. First, Sweetheart must force herself to go to Bozo’s shop at least one afternoon a week and join him in playing with his toys. Second, she must help him read the instruction manuals for household appliances such as the washer and dryer. Third, she must sign up for a vigorous fitness course so she can tackle her little lion by the method of brute force.
Praise. First, Sweetheart must offer generous praise to Bozo for the admirable qualities that he has – he always smells fresh and clean, he gives generously of his time to play with the children in the neighborhood, and he is, after all, Boswell Chamberlain, IV, heir to the largest widget company in the United States. Third, she will write on separate pieces of paper as many commonly used praises she can think of, and draw one from a hat every day and use the phrase to praise little Bozo (she will also need to refill her Prozac prescription regularly).
Family constitution. First, Sweetheart must write a list of her own personal values and needs. She then will need to talk to Bozo about the constitution, read him her list, and then let him describes, as she takes notes, his own values and needs. She then must use her recently acquired ability to use the method of brute force to impose her own and her husband’s values and needs on little Bozo. Doing so will indicate that she recognizes it is her responsibility to prevent what came out of her womb to become the next Attila the Hun.
Sexual intercourse. First, Sweetheart must teach Bozo how to read and then they will read and have verbal intercourse once a week about a novel she will buy from Greasy Bob’s Adult Book Emporium. Second, she and Bozo will learn about physical intercourse by patting each other’s respective fanny’s every morning and every evening. Third, every evening when Bozo returns from “work,” they will practice emotional intercourse by telling each other the most rotten thing that happened to them that day. After accomplishing the form of intercourse described below, they both will create a new personality type by becoming true tigers in the sack.
Spiritual intercourse. Sweetheart first must come clean and tell God of her emerging lust for Him to join her and Bozo in bed, ask for His guidance in overcoming her strange urges, and then she and Bozo must develop the habit of getting down on their knees before bed and saying the Lord’s Prayer together.
Reactions of Others
Sweetheart believes that Bozo will be happy to experience the return of the “Sweetheart of Sigma Chi” and will again become the college boy she once adored. She also believes that when little Bozo is released from the intensive care unit of the local hospital, he will have learned to respect a mother who has shown him that she has balls. Best of all, Sweetheart will feel proud of all she has accomplished.
Keeping the Action Plan Working
Sweetheart has placed her faith in the miraculous ways that others have turned their lives around by following the Smalley program. If she takes the actions she has outlined above, she is confident that she and her family will have the same success. Why? Because everyone who has heeded the advice of Smalley has lived happily ever after.
References
Booth, A., Johnson, D. R., Branaman, A. (1995). Belief and behavior: Does religion matter
in today’s marriage? Journal of Marriage & Family, 57, 661-671.
Izard, C. E. (2007). Basic emotions, natural kinds, and a new paradigm. Perspectives
on Psychological Science, 2, 260-280.
Krysan, M., Moore, A., & Zill, N. (1990). Identifying successful families: An overview
of constructs and selected measures. U.S. Department of Human Services. Retrieved June 7,
2008, from www.aspe.hhs.gov/daltcp/reports/idsucfam.html.
Smalley, G. (1996). Making love last forever. Dallas: Word Publishing.
Vernor, F. D., & Stokes, B. D. (1911). Alpha pi leaves its mark on the world. Retrieved June
6, 2008, from www.albion.edu/sigmachi/chapter/sweetheart/html.
White, H., Coppola, H. A., & Multunas, N. K. (2008). Using life scripts to remember
positive but not negative information. American Journal of Psychology, 121, 293-318.
